Assertive I statements

Every person has a unique communication style, a way in which they interact and exchange information with others.

There are four basic communication styles: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive and assertive.

Good interpersonal skills mean you need to be aware of the different ways of communicating and the different response each approach might provoke.

The Four Communication Styles are…
Passive - I'm not OK - You're OK
Aggressive - I'm OK - You're not OK
Passive-aggressive - I'm not OK - You're not OK
Assertive - I'm OK - You're OK

To help you understand each of these styles, let take a case study.

You are working the US night shift and it ends at 2.30am for you. At 1.30am Saturday, you are approached by a coworker who asks you to finish a project he has started, as he needs to leave early for an emergency situation.

You realize that the project can’t possibly get finished by 2.30am, the time you usually leave work.

You have already made weekend plans for an early morning drive out of town with your family and would like to catch up on a few hours of sleep before it.

So how do you respond?

As mentioned before there are 4 different ways, let's look at each in detail...

1.
Passive Communication

It is a style in which individuals have developed a pattern of avoiding expressing their opinions or feelings, protecting their rights, and identifying and meeting their needs. These individuals believe: I’m not worth taking care of. For them I'm not OK - You're OK is true.

In the case study example, your passive response would be…

“Sure, I’ll finish the project for you.”

And you do, even though you have to stay until 4.30am and have just enough time to reach home and get ready for the weekend drive with the family.

Why would you respond passively?

Scared to say “no” or have no practice saying “no.”

Don’t think that your needs are as important as others’ needs.

Don’t want anyone to be mad at you.

Maybe you have been raised to believe you always have to help others.

Now let's look at the consequences to responding passively

You have ignored your own needs to satisfy the needs of another.

You might miss your weekend drive or remain lethargic if you go and let down your family.

You might feel frustrated, bitter, annoyed, or victimized.

You don’t feel great about the situation, but you keep telling yourself that you have done the “right thing.”

Maybe another “brick” has been added to the wall of resentment.

I am sure you would not want all these negative consequences, so how else could you respond?


2.
Aggressive Communication

It is a style in which individuals express their feelings and opinions and advocate for their needs in a way that violates the rights of others. Aggressive communicators may be verbally and/or physically abusive. For them I'm OK - You're not OK is true.

In the case study example, your aggressive response would be…

“Why should I help YOU out? I have my own plans for the weekend.”

And you walk away.

Why would you respond so aggressively?

Maybe you think your needs are more important than the needs of others

Maybe you already have a bad relationship with the other person.

Maybe you are already feeling a great deal of stress.

Now let's look at the consequences of responding aggressively

You get your needs met, but you have been a bully, implying that the needs of others are not important.

The other person feels uncomfortable, angry, or embarrassed.

The relationship is damaged.

That person may never ask you for a favour again, but you also will probably never be able to ask him for favour either.

I am sure you would not want all these negative consequences, so how else could you respond?


3.
Passive-Aggressive Communication

It is a style in which individuals appear passive on the surface, but are really acting out anger in a subtle, indirect way. People who develop a pattern of passive-aggressive communication usually express their anger by subtly undermining the object of their resentments. They smile at you while setting booby traps all around you. For them I'm not OK - You're not OK is true.

In the case study example, your passive-aggressive response would be…

“Sure, I’ll finish it for you.”

And you work on his project until 2.30am and then leave as your usual time. Your coworker’s project isn’t finished, but then that’s not YOUR problem. You’ll just explain it to him later that you did all you possibly could. He could get into trouble, but it WAS his ultimate responsibility.

Why would you respond in this passive-aggressive way?

You are afraid to say no, but you still think your needs are more important.

You feel powerless, stuck, and resentful.

Now let's look at the consequences to responding passive-aggressively

You appeared to be passive and compliant, but you end up being the aggressor.
 
You have not helped your coworker. In fact, he might get into trouble.

You have not been honest about your own needs.

You will be viewed as a wolf in sheep’s clothing – not trustworthy.

I am sure you would not want all these negative consequences, so how else could you respond?


4.
Assertive Communication

It is a style in which individuals clearly state their opinions and feelings, and firmly advocate for their rights and needs without violating the rights of others. These individuals value themselves (physically, emotionally and spiritually) and are strong advocates for themselves while being very respectful of the rights of others. For them I'm OK - You're OK is true.

In the case study example, your assertive response would be clearly stating these 4 basics

I feel ___.
When __.
Because __.
I need ___.


The order can be interchanged and expressed subtly as follows...

“I have a previous engagement. I’m sorry I can’t help beyond 2.30am. I need to honour my previous commitment.
However, I still have an hour left before I go and can do a small part of the project along with our team members if they are willing to help you too.
In the future, if you ask me with some advance warning, I’d be more able to help.”

In this way, you respect that the feelings/needs of the other are important, yet you also honour your own feelings/needs.

Now let's look at the consequences to responding assertively

You have established clear boundaries between yourself and others.
 
You feel good about yourself because you have been honest and direct.
 
You made your needs known in a respectful way.
 
You have maintained a positive relationship with your coworker offering a solution and promising future help. This generates mutual respect and trust.
 
You seem trustworthy to those around you in the team too, as you can facilitate collaboration.

Roadblocks to Assertive Communication

Assertive speaking (where you feel I'm OK - You're OK) is used to fulfil your needs as well that of others. Yet you refrain from speaking assertively. The reason is the underlying emotions. Fear, anger, shame and guilt are the four major roadblocks to it.

Fear of disconnecting with the other person or having anxiety over what might happen or how people may see you if you do behave assertively. You might worry that the other person will get upset when you assert yourself. You might worry that expressing your needs will create distance or conflict between you.

Anger towards someone who has wronged you leads to Aggressive communication style (where you feel I'm OK - You're not OK).

Guilt is feeling low about something you did whereas Shame is feeling low about yourself. Guilt leads to passive communication style (where you feel I'm not OK - You're OK) whereas

Shame leads to passive-aggressive communication style (where you feel I'm not OK - You're not OK)

But once you can overcome all these, you can start reaping the benefits of assertive I statements. Being assertive is associated with a number of benefits, ranging from less anxiety and depression and better relationships. Assertiveness is often associated with higher self-esteem and confidence. People can improve their assertiveness through practical exercises and experience.