Emotional Vampire

Have you ever heard the term ‘Emotion Vampire’?

An emotion vampire is a person who you care about but they are almost impossible to please. No matter what you do, no matter how much you give, no matter what sacrifices you make, no matter how much you co-operate…they always make you believe you are NOT good enough.

Interactions with them, leave you emotionally drained. Verbally you may or may not be abused, gesture wise, energy-wise, attention wise, behaviour wise, you feel abused.

Your relationship with them started out well. Over a period of time, they became important to you. Now you feel taken for granted. Interactions with them make you feel a ‘void’ inside.

Perhaps, he is your college friend who calls you only to complain at length about his bad marriage or poor work conditions and completely ignores asking about you.

Perhaps, she is your relative, who calls you only when she needs someone to crib about other family members or to grumble about her child who is not studying well or to lament how no one understands her or how her husband does not give her time at all.

Perhaps, it is an acquaintance who always asks for advice, never does anything about that advice and never returns your calls.

Perhaps, is your child/spouse/in-laws/parents, who do not truly care about your challenges and feelings. They are selfishly and exclusively focussed on you meeting their expectations and on you taking great care of them.

On their best day, they might throw a few crumbs at you. On their worst day, they will scream and belittle you and claim they fed you a feast.

Funnily, you find yourself making excuses for them….
   She was in a bad mood today, that’s why...
   He had a difficult childhood, that's why….
   One day, they will understand.
   Next time, she won’t behave like this.
   He is still a child.
   After all, we should not give up or lose hope.
   Why to take ‘panga’? Jaane de na!
   Her nature is good, just that……………
   He said sorry na! Let's give him another chance….
   She does not mean what she said.

Slowly, their insensitive behaviour makes it harder for you to make excuses. Chances are, not knowing what to do, you see this as your ‘fate’. Something inside of you, a huge part of your bubbling energy, gets locked down. You become morose. Your state becomes melancholia.

The truth is some relationships are purely for circumstances. A college hostel roommate, a community get together a committee, co-passengers, a co-worker etc.

When circumstances change, these relationships may not work. When college ends, when jobs change, when vehicles change, those friendships may not work. That's ok. That's the way life is. Attempting to desperately hold on to circumstantial relationships may create toxic moments and toxic memories.

For some people, you are just a circumstance relationship.

If you find you have an emotional vampire in your life, here is what we suggest you first identify their type. You too may be exhibiting a few of these traits in your relationships so be mindful of their negative impact on others.

A - ABUSIVE
The abusive vampires not just Criticize, Punish, Shame and Reject you but they PHYSICALLY HARM you too. They are violent in their interactions with you and you might be putting up with them in hope that someday they may change and your relationship will heal.

B - BULLY
The bully vampires come in all shades, some are competitive upfront and ready to pull you down in front of others to raise their status. While others are sweet and soft-spoken but wound you with their well-disguised sarcasm and backhanded compliments. Maybe you tolerate their presence to win over them someday.

C - CONTROLLING
The controlling vampires believe it rightful to dictate the way you think, act and live your life. Most often the control is tolerated under the pretext of care or because they are the givers in the relationship.

D - DEMANDING
The demanding vampires are often manipulative. They know your weaknesses and make unfair demands of your time, energy or money to fulfil their responsibilities. And you easily walk into this trap unaware.

E - EGOISTIC
For the egoistic vampire, it's all about them. They keep venting on and on about their life, issues or even joys without any interest in you. You most often tolerate such narcissist conversations as they are in authority.

F - FAKE
The fake vampires are pretty harmless as they have put on masks to show their best self. They probably do not want to be taken for a ride and hence hide their vulnerable side. The only issue with them is that you end up spending efforts to build a weak and uninteresting relationship.

G - GUILT GIVERS
It's outright difficult to have a smooth conversation with guilt giving vampire. They can find fault in any conversation you begin. You most probably avoid such people unless forced to face them in social settings.

H - HELPLESS
The helpless victim vampires are the most abundant. They thrive on the attention and sympathy from others. Most often you tolerate them to boost your own ego to find solutions for them which they never follow. But you usually avoid to face them in the eye if they point you out as the villain for their pathetic situation.

I - IRRATIONAL
The irrational vampires are the most pessimistic people you ever meet. They can project a doomsday scenario and deplete your energy even on their best day.

J - JUDGEMENTAL
Judgemental vampires hold a negative opinion of you and your life. They dissuade you to take charge and make progress.

If you find you have an emotional vampire in your life, here is what we suggest you do. Make a list of positive and negative things that you get from the relationship. Does the negative outstrip the positive? If that is the truth, it is time to evaluate the relationship. You need not give up on that person completely. However, you must take a few steps away and look at it fresh. Find sources of bustling joy and sources of dynamic energy in your life. Most importantly, involve yourself in something that desires your COMPLETE devotion. Mind you, I am not saying find a distraction. I am saying DO something with DEVOTION. The more long term it is, the apter it is.

This way, you will create some necessary space between you and your emotional vampires. This will do you a world of good.

If you are not going to do so, there is only one explanation. You must be still ‘believing’ in the excuses you are making for them.

Netaji Subhash Chandra Bose exhorted, “Give me blood. I will give you freedom.”

My dearest friends, if you are giving your life, your attention, your energy (metaphorically - your blood) in a relationship, it must lead to freedom, not slavery.

Choose Emotional boosters not emotional vampires.
Choose Happiness, not helplessness.